Curious

Urban Legends Come True

Did anyone listen to that episode of This American Life recently about true urban legends? It was pretty entertaining. One of my favorite true urban legends has to do with rats swimming into toilets via the plumbing. It happens. Don't believe me? Check out this story.

Apartment Composting. Anyone? Anyone?

Xander and I have been talking about composting for about three years. I don't know what has taken us so long to get going, but now that we have two extra mouths eating loads of sweet potato and avocado and banana, we feel like we really need to start soon. We're tired of putting completely biodegradable stuff in sealed plastic bags. It just seems silly.

We're thinking of going the worms-in-a-bin route. Anyone out there done that? Tips? Tricks? I really liked the suggestions in the following video, but I feel like I want to do a bit more reading and research before we jump in.

Random Practical Notes Related to Ethiopia Adoption Travel

I swear there are about a million things I have thought to write on this subject at completely random times when I couldn't write a thing. And I've started several blog posts that I've never finished. A lot of good that does anyone, right? So here are some notes, as I've thought of them, in no particular order. If you're an adoptive parent or about to be and want to ask a question, fire away in the comments section. Or if you've already brought your children home and think of something important I've forgotten, feel free to chime in. I'm sure I'm leaving out a ton, but I'm going to go ahead and post this because otherwise it will just end up a useless, forgotten draft.

- Everything you've heard about pollution in Addis is true. Bring decongestant and any other items (neti pot!) that you might use to clear your sinuses. It won't help the part where you have to breathe the car exhaust, but it might clear up all that gunk after the fact.

- We did not stay at our orphanage's guest house, and we organized our own travel through a local tour provider. It went swimmingly. You know your comfort level better than anyone, so do what you are comfortable with. But we wanted a more regular-type and affordable travel experience and didn't want to be in a sheltered group, so we opted for arranging everything ourselves. I'm sure we would have had a fine time at the Guest House, but I feel like we probably experienced a little more than we would have otherwise by doing things on our own. Still, if you don't travel much and know you are going to find your trip to Ethiopia to be difficult, you may be more comfortable staying with other families at your orphanage's guest house. But you don't have to, and there are rewards to striking out on your own.

- As of right now, it was NOT true that you are not allowed to take your child with you if you are staying outside the guest house. Once you check out your child, they are yours. You are their parent. Period. You can stay wherever you want and go wherever you want with them. (This is actually true even before you check out your child, but aside from your Embassy appointment, the orphanage we were with really doesn't like you to take them out before you are ready to take physical custody. But you can if you want to.)

- Your child/children will probably be sick with something when you meet them. Every single child we met had an upper respiratory infection. For our children, this cleared up in a couple of weeks. It sounded much worse than it was. Try not to worry too much. We brought saline spray and a sort of aspirator thing in which you use your own lung power to suck all the badness out. (There's a filter, so you're not actually imbibing any badness.) They work better than the bulb-and-tube guys you are probably used to. But the saline did more than anything for our kids. They would reflexively blow their noses to expel the water, and out with that came lost of other nastiness.

- Also expect your child to be or at least appear developmentally delayed when you meet them. They may not even be hitting the milestones you expected from your referral and updates. It's possible the milestones recorded were inaccurate, sure, but it's also likely your child is experiencing some kind of regression due to illness or stress or both. Remember that the nannies have a lot of children to care for, and they don't have the time to make sure your child is practicing holding his/her head up or walking or whatever. But that's what you are for, and you'll help them catch up. The advice that was given to me and that turned out to be totally true is that it takes about six weeks after being home for things to settle down. So I would say to try not to worry until you have been home for at least that amount of time. More than likely, you will be amazed by how quickly your child/children catches up. As I've mentioned before, our daughter went from not even being able to crawl to taking her first steps in only a couple of months.

- Along those lines, expect the height and weight you were given for your child to be off by up to a few pounds. After hearing stories from other parents and our own experience, this seems to be the norm. Don't pay too much attention to the stats you are given and try to go into meeting your child with an open mind. Really, they catch up fast. Don't worry about the details.

- All of this said, if after you've gotten home you really feel like something is wrong, it can't hurt to have your child see a specialist. Just try not to worry too much in the meantime.

- Be careful about who changes your child's diapers after you bring them home, and keep any changing areas and supplies disinfected. It's easy to spread giardia, sure, but you can also spread Hep A. Hep A is usually not so bad in kids, but it can wipe an adult out for weeks or even months. So don't let anyone who hasn't been vaccinated for Hep A change those diapers!

-Do what you want to do, but we treated for scabies even though there was no sign of scabies. And our clothes went through multiple hot water washes and tumble drying when we got home. I say better safe than sorry, but don't make yourself crazy over it.

- Bring children's Benadryl, even if you think you're not going to use it. Because you just might wish you had. And you just might go to a drugstore in Addis looking for it and get stuck with something that is nowhere near the same as Benadryl as a really pitiful substitute. And you just might burst into tears one night because you know modern science has developed a way for you to help your child finally get a little sleep, but that development won't be available to you because you as a high-and-mighty minimalist never bought Benadryl because you were set on not attempting to induce sleep. And you might feel like even more of an asshole when your children develop rashes from the soap you used, but you don't have any medical relief to offer them. You fool. Get over yourself and buy the fucking Benadryl.

- Bring Tyelenol and/or Motrin. (This I did have the sense to do, thankfully.) Our kids were both popping numerous teeth and one had a double ear infection. And teething tablets did nothing but make them very, very alert and cranky. Even though there's a recall on, you can find charts online to figure out doses of children's Tylenol and Motrin for infants. I'm not going to recommend a specific chart because I don't want to be responsible for damages--and I live in America now, home of the frivolous lawsuit--but Google will help you. (We lived in Canada at the time, so the recall was not an issue for us.)

- Playtex Drop-Ins are really worth it for travel. You put powder in the liner, close it with a twist tie, string, or rubber band, and all you have to do is add water. We brought two bottles per child, three nipples per child, and four liners per child for each day we were going to be away from home.

- Consider bringing soy formula with you. It is really common for children to be either temporarily (due to parasites) or permanently lactose intolerant. We only found milk-based formula in Addis, but luckily we had brought soy formula with us that lasted most of the trip.

- Get your children used to room-temperature bottles right away. We used room temp bottled water from day one, and they were so hungry they didn't care. We never heated a single bottle, and now we don't have to at home either. It saves tons of time and stress.

- Also do yourself a favor and forget about sterilizing bottles or nipples. We washed them in soap and water. In a pinch, we just wiped them down with a wet cloth. I know. Totally irresponsible, right? But that's how we roll.

- Consider bringing diaper covers for the plane ride. We used Econobum diaper covers because they are cheap, and the inside can easily be wiped off if there is a small leak. These covers saved us a few outfit changes on the way home. And now we use them with our cloth diapers at home.

- We both love and recommend the Maya Wrap for babies under about 20 pounds. (Actually 20 lbs, not orphanage update 20 lbs.) We never would have even thought of them, but a friend and my cousin each gave us their old ones, and I am so glad they did. They're really comfortable for air travel, so we wore them for most of the flight and slipped the kids in and out as needed. Because they are cloth wraps, we didn't even ALWAYS have to take them off going through security check points. (Most of them, yes, but not all.) They have little pockets on the tail that you can put a pack of wipes and a pacifier or passport or whatever in. They are super easy to put on. No complicated wrapping techniques. Best of all, it's a piece of cake to move the baby from your front to your hip to your back. When your baby gets bigger or for hiking and long walks, sure, you'll probably want something with more support. But for those first few months I think they are wonderful. We still use them, and our kids squeal with delight when they see us pull them out.

- If you have adopted an infant or young toddler, call the airline when you book your ticket and request a bassinet seat. Then call them again a couple of weeks before to confirm your bassinet seat. Then ask them about it again when you check in for your flight. Many of the large planes have bassinets that clip into the bulkhead row. As long as there isn't turbulence, your baby can sleep in the bassinet. Since our children did not particularly enjoy sleeping with us, we found the bassinets to be very helpful.

- If your child is an older baby or young toddler, chances are they've never had solid food no matter what you think or read on the updates. Bring a box of rice cereal with you and plan to start them out just like you would have started them out around six months. We also brought a few jars of baby food and purchased avocado in Ethiopia. Our kids ate all of it once they got the hang of being fed with a spoon.

- Be prepared for your child to have food issues, even if they are really small. You've likely learned about this in your adoption education, but we were surprised by how young it can start. Our kids were totally panicked about food and would eat until they threw up. My suggestion would be to feed them smallish amounts very frequently. With time they will calm down and learn that you will provide them with plenty of food. Although it takes a long time, and the food issues seem to still show up again occasionally, especially if our children are tired.

- As you know, we adopted two at once. My husband and I decided that in those first couple of weeks while we were in Ethiopia that we would each be responsible for one child. I'm not saying everyone who adopts two at a time should do it that way, but we both feel like it worked really well. It was less overwhelming for us, and it meant each child had a dedicated caregiver that they felt entitled to. (We learned that jealousy is immediate and starts early!) Again, not to say everyone should do it that way, but now that we are each responsible for two children much of the time, I can say it was easier when we were each just responsible for one.

- Travel outside Addis Ababa. (And not just up on the mountain for the view of the city.) Really. You'll see and learn so much more by being out in the country for even just a day or two. You have the rest of your life to bond with your child/children. Taking a few days to see part of their country isn't going to ruin that. If it does you can tell them it's my fault for suggesting you play tourist.

- Bring a couple of nice outfits for wearing in Addis Ababa. We felt sloppy most of the time in our convertible hiking pants, t-shirts, and sneakers. I wish I had brought a couple of stylish outfits for when we were out in the city. In the countryside this is less of an issue.

- Bring at least two pairs of shoes. It can be rainy and muddy, and many of the roads in Addis are not paved, so your shoes will likely get wet and dirty at some point during your trip. I also recommend flip flops or Croc-type shoes for showers and wearing around your hotel or room.

- Bring ear plugs. Addis can be noisy even in the wee hours. We're city dwellers and used to a certain amount of noise, but the roosters and the prayer calls woke me up every single morning.

- We were surprised by how nice and receptive the Ethiopians we met were to us as adoptive parents. People crossed the street on multiple occasions to meet us, kiss the babies, and tell us they were happy for us. Not that we see this as a country-wide endorsement of international adoption, but we were much more cautious about being out with the children than we needed to be.

On Expectations

I feel like before I begin, I should start by telling you the real truth of our situation. Now, I know that when I tell you this, some of you are not going to have any sympathy for us regarding the story that follows. In fact, some of you may never be friends with me again. But I know I should be honest about the situation to keep things in perspective. With you. With myself. Okay, here it goes. Here is our little secret.

Our babies almost always sleep for 11-12 hours each night, usually uninterrupted.

It's okay. You can take a minute to process that. I'll wait.

Sticking with me? No? Fine. You were never my friend to begin with. Bah!

Now, they don't always sleep so well. We do have bad nights. Last night was a rough one, and we were both up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night trying to sort it out. Naps are another story and are often interrupted in favor of screaming. But for the most part, almost every night, our children sleep from 7:30pm to 7am.

How did this happen? We did what some people would call "sleep training" and some people refer to as "Ferberizing" and some other people call "teaching your children to self-soothe" and still other people refer to as "crying it out." People who are really opposed to these strategies often don't really know that much about them. It doesn't mean you never respond to your child's crying. It doesn't mean you don't check on them in the middle of the night or leave them sitting in filthy diapers or whatever. For us, it mostly just means that we have to do a couple of things. One, recognize that sleeping well is as important for our children's growth as eating. And the second is accepting that crying is how babies communicate, and sometimes all a baby is communicating is, "I'm having trouble falling sleep! This sucks!"

Believe it or not, we didn't actually set out to let our children "cry it out." We're kind of spiritualists in the sense that our attitude was that we wanted to go into parenthood without too many expectations about how our children would behave and who they would be. We wanted to find out who they were and learn to live with them just like we would anyone else in our lives rather than shoving our own needs and expectations down their throats. (This excludes basic discipline, mind you, before anyone thinks I'm the kind of mother who will let my child throw a temper tantrum uninterrupted in the middle of the grocery store.) It turns out our babies are people who need sleep and act really strung out and grumpy without it. And it also turns out they are people who neither wanted nor needed us to help them with that. The latter we are still struggling with. Because even when we thought we didn't, we had expectations.

We bought a rocking chair. We expected to be rocking babies in it. We pictured ourselves cuddling with fussy, sleepy babies late at night, rocking them, soothing them back to sleep. We pictured babies who would be so in need of love and affection that they would find nothing more comforting than being allowed to climb into bed with us in the middle of the night. But these were not to be our babies. From the very beginning and even now, any attempts to soothe our children when they are fussing themselves to sleep end in disaster. All we do is make it worse. All we do is make them scream louder and longer and harder. And yet it is so, so hard not to go in. What if they are hurt? What if they are sick? What if they are on fire? What if they have been mysteriously decapitated in the middle of the night and their heads are just rolling around by themselves on the floor? What if they have, literally, screamed their heads off?

We both had this idea that being permitted to sleep in your parents' bed when you are sick or scared or having a hard time sleeping is comforting. I remember very clearly the first (and second and third and fourth) time I tried to bring Yona into our bed when she couldn't sleep. The minute I sat down on the bed her screaming went from loud to louder. In Addis Ababa, when the children slept in our bed because there was no alternative, they were miserable and cried most of the night. Cribs seemed to provide them with some sort of comfort. They were familiar, I suppose. In the past few weeks, we have managed to convince our children that our bed is at least a fun place to play if not sleep, so we still hope that one day there will be Sunday morning cuddles at least. It's not that we have any goal of creating a "family bed"--totally not our thing--but we keep looking for ways to soothe our children when they are having trouble sleeping. Like maybe there's this magic thing we haven't discovered yet.

Only I think we know what the magic thing is. The magic thing is that when they are working through sleeping issues, we need to stay the fuck out of it. And the real problem is that we're having trouble letting go of our expectations. We do not have the kinds of babies who enjoy being rocked and cuddled in the middle of the night. We do not have the kinds of babies who want one more story or one more drink of water. We do not have the kinds of babies who want a different toy or to climb into our bed. We do not have babies who prefer to nap in the stroller or car seat or in our arms. We have babies who have been in an institution for most of their lives, and they have each developed their ways of coping with frustration, and those ways do not presently involve the parents they have only recently acquired. We have babies who seem to find both comfort and distress within the bars of their crib. And at this point I think there's little we can do about that but give them time and space to work through it. We need to let go of our expectations. We need to accept that our children are who they are, and that we cannot control every single aspect of their lives.

Expectations are tricky things. They are present even when you think they are not, and letting go of them is a constant challenge. Even if we manage to let go of the idea of rocking our babies to sleep, there will be some other secret expectation we didn't realize we had. The truth is that I think we're lucky to be going through this now. We know parents who have taken years or even decades to figure out that their children are, in fact, independent beings. It's a hard lesson, and I'm sure we'll need a refresher numerous times throughout our lives.

First Steps!

Dinke caught me by surprise this morning and decided to walk. It happened faster than I realized what was going on. Really, who are these people who have their cameras ready for this shit? It's not like she issued a press release.

I was in the kitchen spreading some delicious homemade garlic-and-chive cream cheese onto a homemade English muffin--no really, that's what I was doing--when Dinke decided to pull herself up onto my leg. The kids do this all the time. It annoys me when I'm in the kitchen because I need to be moving around, so I've been trying to discourage it. I grabbed her hands, picked her up, moved her a few feet away and put her down on her feet. Lately she has been balancing by herself, so I let go of her hands figuring maybe she'd amuse herself by balancing for awhile before she plopped back down on her bum as usual. But instead she decided to walk back towards me. Only I squealed from complete surprise when she started walking, which in turn surprised her, and she made this shocked face and sat down immediately. She was quiet for a moment, then burst into fits of laughter. She was giggling so hard she couldn't stop for a long time. It was perhaps my happiest moment so far as a parent. I was happy not because she walked at 13 months, not because she walked at 13 months after having spent 11 of those months mostly in a crib, not because she walked at 13 months when she couldn't even crawl when we met her, but because taking those first steps filled her with such unadulterated joy. For the next few hours, any time she stood by herself or took a few steps, she just laughed and laughed. In fact, the constant laughter is sort of hindering her ability to walk, but that's fine by me as long as she's having fun.

The amusing thing about Dinke's timing is that when Xander left the house this morning, he said, "Now don't start walking until I get home." Sorry, Dada. Too late.

Homesick

Stuff like this is exactly why we miss living in New York. Not that we don't enjoy the pools here, but a dumpster pool on Park Avenue? It's just so much cooler!

Lounging By the Pool...Or Not

Hey! Adoptive Parents! Help!

Greetings to any folks out there who adopted from Toukoul. Do any of you happen to have photographs from inside the orphanage buildings? We have several of the grounds, but we don't have any interior shots, and I would really like to have whatever I can get my hands on. Let me know, and thanks in advance for your help.

America's Next Top Stripper

Oh, Internetland, you are not going to believe the dream I just had. I have absolutely no clue where it came from, but it was amazing. I dreamed that I was watching a television show that was called something like America's Next Top Stripper. And in this show, as you might expect, contestants competed to be the best strippers. I'm sure there was some high-value contract at stake. There was a panel of snarky judges. Tyra Banks was a contestant. She and another contestant lost points for both choosing the slutty nurse costume rather than something more original. The competition could be interrupted at any time--and was--for something called a Pole Call, which was awesome. Definitely the funniest part of the dream. A red light came on along with a strobe and a loud alarm. The pole rose up from the stage and the contestants emerged from silver curtains to do their best pole dance. Only it was like the early rounds of American Idol and no one was any good. Kind of like this video, but a lot more Skinimax.

The funny thing about the fact that I had this dream is that I've never even been to a strip club. And we don't have HBO. And it has easily been more than a year since I've seen a single episode of America's Next Top Model, or anything like it for that matter. Yet I had this gem of a dream. Sigh... If only I had the time to make the pitch.

Housewifery

If you've been here awhile, you know how I feel about being labeled a housewife. When I think of housewives, I don't so much think of this--check out this, too, while you're at it--but more of Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment before she had an affair and got cancer when she was just angry and bitter and stressed out all the time. Or the tired 1980s housewife in sweatpants, bathrobe, too much mascara but not enough lipstick, and hair curlers screaming at the kids while smoking and microwaving some Stouffer's for dinner. It's not a pretty image. And those who know me well know about my issues with sweatpants. Not even Uggs can help.

Okay, enough with the random links.

Housewife. It's not a job I ever coveted, and certainly not one I sought out. And yet here I am. I never considered myself a housewife before, but having twins has certainly made me one. Every single day involves cleaning. Clothes. The floor. Tables. Diapers. There's also the cooking, which I used to enjoy, but not so much now that it includes preparing rarely-appreciate pureed foods for undeveloped taste buds. When Dinke spits out a bite of food and makes the puke face, I want to say, "But I cooked local, grass-fed lamb for you in garlic and rosemary! And I'm vegetarian!" (To Dinka's credit, he seems to have a fair appreciation for food and really enjoys being in the kitchen. He'll eat just about anything and squeals with delight even when the food isn't for him.) I tried to make time to do a few things I used to enjoy, like baking bread and sewing, but so far I haven't had much success in those areas. I managed to make a pair of curtains and a pitiful loaf of bread that refused to rise, but that's about it. I'd hoped to enter a couple of art exhibitions this summer as well, but I'm starting to feel like that's impossible.

The funny thing is that it's not the childcare-related stuff I mind doing. We're even doing cloth diapers, and I don't mind that at all. It's the regular-type stuff that I've always had to do that feels so much more annoying now. Like why do I still have to sweep? Or clean the bathroom? I took care of twins all day. Isn't that enough? I was complaining to another new parent about this recently, and she said, "I totally hear you. I was just looking at the sink. There were three bottles, my breast pump things, and then some dishes from breakfast and lunch. I was like, 'I pumped. I shouldn't have to clean up after it as well. And these other dishes?'" Exactly.

So all of this housewifery is naturally leading to something of an identity crisis. My husband gets to go off and do important-sounding research on the National Science Foundation's dime. He gets papers published. People ask him to come give talks. He gets to travel to fun and interesting places. I used to have an interesting job, but now? I adore the twins and am truly obsessed with them, but I can't say I find cleaning bums and mixing bottles to be particularly interesting. Being a parent is just one thing about me. It's not everything. It's not even the first thing I think to tell people when they ask questions about me. Still, I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can refer to myself as a museum collections manager before it becomes a lie. And I'm already worrying about how hard it will be to convince someone to hire me again now that I've added "stay-at-home mom" to my resume.

Yet even if I could find a museum job right now, I don't think I could take it. Not when I have the option to be home. I know a lot of parents would give just about anything to spend more time at home with their kids, and there's no way I'm taking that for granted. I'm not ready to give up my time with them just yet. But I did have a dream the other night that Xander hired a housekeeper. It was the best dream.

Indecently Cute Pictures

On weekday afternoons, the twins are frequently spotted in the window waiting for Dada to come home from work.

A Head Start on African American History and Civil Justice

These are the books Dinka pulled off the shelf today. Completely unstaged. Seriously.


I thought it was weird, until I looked at the other books on the shelf.



I guess we didn't give him much of a choice, did we?

More Lalibela

Kinetics!

The Long-Awaited Lalibela Post, Part I of Many

Okay, so Lalibela was amazing. I mean, everybody says so. It's not like this is new information. I'm just jumping on the Lalibela bandwagon is all. First of all, the current flight path to Lalibela takes you over many of the highlights of northern Ethiopia. You fly over part of the Blue Nile Gorge to Bahir Dar, then you fly over Lake Tana to Gondar, then you fly over part of the Simien Mountains to Lalibela. Sure, flying is expensive, but it's totally worth the cost if you can swing it. (On a related note, the flight from Dubai to Addis was likewise magical. We flew over the Arabian desert, over the salt flats and Danakil Depression in Ethiopia, over the Awash River, over the Entoto Mountains and into Addis Ababa. On the flight home to the US, we flew over the icy peaks of Greenland.)

Entire books have been written about Lalibela. You can read about Lalibela and its churches here. The town, an UNESCO heritage site, is covered in rock-hewn churches from around 1200 AD and is a major pilgrimmage destination for Ethiopian Orthodox Christians. The surrounding area and points north are also covered in centuries-old churches, some of which are almost entirely inaccessible. You could spend weeks attempting to explore them all. The churches are amazing, but honestly I was more struck by the beauty of the surrounding landscape and the friendliness of the people who live there--the stereotype that Ethiopians are friendly seemingly came about with good reason. We were sad to leave.

We stayed at the Mountain View Hotel. For something like $55 a night, we stayed in a large, comfortable room with an en suite bathroom and a private balcony overlooking the mountains. It's a phenomenal deal. A multi-course meal for two with beer or wine in the hotel's restaurant will set you back about $15. There are cheaper places to stay, but we weren't at all sorry we splurged on this particular hotel. Because we had so much going on (adoption, moving), we hired a tour company to arrange our travels. We used GETTS, and I highly recommend them. Our guides for Lalibela and our other trips were very knowledgeable and incredibly friendly. Plus GETTS was the only tour company that quoted us a fair price. All of the others quoted double for the same services. Here's our room and some views from the room and the hotel:







Anyway, it will take me a good while to upload all of my favorite photos, but here's a start:











More to come, soonish.