Identity Crisis: Am I a Hipster?

My curiosity on this topic was sparked by my idea to dress my daughter up as a Brooklyn hipster for Halloween. In order to make her look like a hipster, I need to know exactly what a hipster is. Then a recent discussion over at Quomodocumque meant I pretty much had to figure this out once and for all so that I'd be prepared if one of my children ever asked me to explain this term.

I never would have considered myself a hipster when I lived in New York, but moving to a smallish town makes just about anyone who isn't wearing sweatpants and college football gear look trendy. I make fun of hipsters, but one of the most striking characteristics of the hipster is that they pretend not to be a hipster. They're just regular people, you see? I am totally just a regular person, which worries me, because maybe that means I really am a hipster. But being a hipster is so uncool, and I secretly want to be cool, so I really don't want to be a hipster. And I especially don't want to be a hipster parent, which is the epitome of lame. As mentioned before, I don't want to be lame. I want to be cool. You see the problem.

Since I don't really want to be a hipster, I decided to prove the theory that I am not a hipster by disproving the theory that I am. So here's a list of the top eleven reasons--because top ten lists are soooo bourgeois--that I am not a hipster.

1. Yes, I do own a Phil & Ted's double "in-line" stroller, but we bought ours at least 5 years after they had become hip. And in our defense we actually have twins.*

2. I do not own a pair of skinny jeans. Yes, I have leggings that are made to look like jeans, but this is not the same thing. Although jeggings are pretty trendy. Damn.

3. I own an iPod. Wait. That's not helping me. Aha! But it's not an iPhone. Surely that counts for something. Or are hipsters carrying some new device I don't know about? Hmmm...

4. I have no idea what Indie band is the latest craze. I'm way too busy listening to jazz to worry about what's fashionable in music.

5. I try to buy only fair trade coffee, but c'mon! That's not hipster. It's just the right thing to do!

6. I buy almost all of my clothing at thrift stores. Wait. This is just getting worse and worse.

7. I don't smoke, with the exception of the very occasional Nat Sherman cigarillo, which I only do when sitting under a tree somewhere by myself outdoors to celebrate the first snow melt, so this hardly counts as smoking.

8. I don't drink PBR. I only drink seasonal microbrews.

9. I almost always wear a scarf, but seriously, this is just because my neck gets cold easily.

10. I'm totally NOT a hipster. Because I'm not.

11. For real, I'm not a hipster.

* I do become genuinely pissed when people say snotty things about our stroller. It happens a lot here, because for one thing people assume everyone here owns a car. And for another, a lot of times people coming at us from the front don't realize we have two children. For instance, I was out walking in the richest, snottiest neighborhood in town the other day when a woman said to me in her most condescending, assholier-than-thou tone, "Wow. That's quite a contraption!" I just said, "Twins require special equipment," and kept walking. I wish I'd said, "We don't own a car. Now get out of my way before I run over your bitchy, judgmental ass with my SUV stroller."