My Kid Is Better Than Your Kid

Okay, so I am starting to worry that I will have a very difficult time getting along with most other parents. What is up with all the competition? It's like people can't help themselves. Our kids are really still just babies, and it's already a contest about how old they are and how much they weigh and who is walking and talking first and better. Who can sign and who can speak and who is at the Montessori school and which horrible parents send their kids to regular daycare. Daycare! The thought! You just know those kids are gonna be messed up!

Good grief.

One of my favorite things to do is take the twins to a local cafe and let them toddle around. It really freaks people out because they are so small. I can't tell you the number of surprised looks we've gotten, followed by a, "How old are they?" I want to start saying they're nine months just to really mess with people. People did this at the pool as well, perhaps because our kids are so into swimming already. They'll kick and float and jump off the sides of the pool. (Little baby jumps, really, but good enough.) "How old are they?" It seems that often people aren't asking these questions because they're trying to make friends. They're asking because they want to size up your kid so they can compare them to theirs. What for?

I hate telling people how old the Fabertids are, because it's almost always followed by, "Oh. They're really small, aren't they?" Groan. Somewhat frequently this comment is followed by things like, "How much do they weigh? My son/daughter/grandchild/niece/nephew/goldfish weighs 50 pounds already and he/she/it is only such-and-such age!" I wish I had the nerve to say, "Good for you. Clearly your kid is better than my kid." I'm just not that into bragging about my children to people who don't really care. So basically anyone we're not related to.

The other thing we get hassled about is that we haven't taught our kids to sign. Don't get me wrong. I think baby sign language can be a great thing. We started to do it. Xander was teaching them a handful of signs for several weeks, but they just didn't seem at all into it. And they're pretty good at communicating to us by using words and sounds and the signs they've already made up themselves. I mean, really. There's no mistaking the gimme fingers. Plus I feel like if they're so into vocalizing, why would I want to teach them not to?

I just don't think any of this stuff really matters.

Our only goal with raising our children is to teach them to find happiness and to care for themselves and those around them. I get so bored with conversations about how to make them into baby geniuses. I can't stand the parents who say, "You have to do this thing or that thing if you want them to be like this or that." I think it's bullshit. I think you can send your kid to Montessori school and still find plenty of other ways to fuck up as a parent. Your kid may walk first or talk first and still struggle through life. It's not about all that stuff, all those little things. It's about the whole kid. My whole kids are wonderful. And I don't need to know what your kid is doing in order to feel that way.

Besides, I'm small and I turned out all right. Didn't I?

Oh shit.