Where We Are

I've tried a couple of times to write a post about what this part of the waiting is like, and I just can't quite come up with a good description. Basically, this part of the waiting is...well...it pretty much sucks. We went to New York for a week over Christmas, which distracted us wonderfully and helped a lot. Then we came home. And we put together that second crib. And we bought some stuff we needed. But for me there's just no excitement in it. We don't have a court date, yet, and the kids aren't ours, yet. I have moments of hope and excitement, but mostly I just feel anxious and uncertain. I'm not worried about the kids. I have faith that the women at the orphanage know what they are doing and are taking excellent care of them. I can wait to bring them home, too. Don't get me wrong. I wish I could bring them home tomorrow. But I feel like if I have to wait some more, I can. Still, being matched with children who you desperately want to be yours and yet are not yours is a really odd thing. You have to be attached to them, because you need that emotional bond to form. Yet you're afraid to get attached to them because what if you never get to bring them home? Sometimes it happens that way. Not often, but sometimes.

This brings me to another problem. I can't seem to let myself hope or pray that we will bring Dinke and Dinka home. Because hoping for that feels like making a wish against our children's birth family. Part of the purpose of the court hearing and the built-in wait beforehand is to give any birth family members a chance to come forward. And if our children's birth family wants to care for them, then how could we possibly want to stand in the way of that? Every pang of longing I feel is a reminder that I am failing to keep my own selfish desires in check, a reminder that I am not yet the person I wish to be. We believe that ideally children should grow up in the families to which they are born. Yet we are so in love with these little guys already that I can't bear to think about not bringing them home. So I can't think about bringing them home, and I can't think about not bringing them home. I seem to have settled into something of a depression about it. I need a court date. I can handle whatever the outcome is. I just would like to find out sooner rather than later so this state of limbo can come to an end. So that one way or another, I can finally let myself experience the feelings that I know are there.

In the meantime, these feelings of love and grief and gratitude grow and multiply largely undetected, like some kind of beautiful cancer.

The hardest part for me is that no one understands what we are going through. Most people simply have no patience for anyone saying anything other than positive things about adoption. It's all sunshine and roses, don't ya know? I mention that I'm having trouble sleeping or that I'm worried, and people say stuff like, "Well, you'd better get used to not sleeping!" Or, "I'm pretty sure worrying is in a parent's job description!" Very funny, no? Ha ha. Ha. Or people will remind you that once you meet your children, all of these painful experiences fade. I'm sure that's true, but what if these are not our children? Everyone means well, and mostly people just aren't sure what to say, but not being able to talk openly without being dismissed certainly adds to the loneliness already inherent in this process. The truth is that no one knows what your adoption experience is like but you. It's just the way it is.

What is the adoption process like? Miraculous. Unfair to all concerned. Lonely. Humbling. Painful. Wonderful. Adoption highlights what is best and what is worst in the world and in its people. Some people refer to it as a "journey," and even though I roll my eyes at such expressions they are kind of right. We have learned so many things about ourselves and about the world that we never would have thought about otherwise. I definitely think it has made me a better person. I will be a better parent to these children than I would have been if we had started a family without going through this process. Even if we never bring these children home, we have grown an immense amount in the last two years. For that I am thankful.

We had an amazing 2009, but I am happy to see the beginning of a new year. No matter which way things go, 2010 will certainly be a year of judgment and of healing. I say bring it on.

Happy Birthday, X-Man!



We'll be celebrating here today if you need us.

Christmas Cookies '09!

As we have in years past, we recently decorated Christmas cookies to get ourselves in the holiday spirit. This year, we were lucky enough to be visiting our friends Rob and Sarah during their annual Christmas-cookie-decorating party. It was a really productive trip all around, even without the cookie decorating. While sitting at the border for three hours waiting to go through immigration, I got tired of my old hat and decided to make a new one.


During our trip to the glorious state of New Jersey, we got to visit the mall, where we saw Santa and made wishes.


And we also got to visit the dump, where we recycled many kinds of plastic and cardboard.


Anyway, Rob and Sarah pretty much taught us everything we know about cookie decorating, so decorating with them was very much like going home. We were a little more tame in our choices this year, perhaps because we are prepping for parenthood. Still, creativity was demonstrated. Xander contributed by showing everyone how to moonwalk in the kitchen.


Cut dough was gingerly moved from the prep area over to the baking sheets. This process resulted in some disfigured deer and a fair amount of frustration.


But it was totally worth the effort! Among other things, we made a nativity scene, tropical fish, the Ethiopian flag, the Loch Ness Monster, a manatee, holiday penguins, and other miscellaneous weirdness. It was a merry Christmas indeed.

Phhhhptschlop!

Because we were all missing out on holiday time together, several of our Montreal friends decided to get together one weekend and have Fall Food Fest, which was 1) basically Thanksgiving Redux and 2) a cover up for a surprise baby shower for our friend Robin. We had all the delicious food one would expect at a (vegetarian) Thanksgiving meal, including sweet potatoes and stuffing and pecan pie and cranberry sauce. Our friend Pete loves to eat cranberry sauce from a can, and Robin loves the sound that canned cranberry sauce makes when you dump it into a dish. Since Robin is about a hundred weeks pregnant at this point, we thought the least we could do to relieve any stress she might be feeling is let her be the one to open the cranberry sauce. We decided to document this monumental event in our lives.



More holiday fun to follow, including the death of a gingerbread house and photos from our friends' annual Christmas cookie decorating extravaganza.

Oahu

After we left the Big Island, we went to Honolulu for a week. Xander is doing some research with a colleague at the university there, so this was the main purpose for our trip. We stayed with his colleague rather than in a hotel, which was really nice. It meant that we got to have a more local experience rather than a week at Waikiki, which is just not our style. We really liked Honolulu. It's got the benefits you'd expect in a city, but it's small and manageable. And it's a bit gritty, which we really like. You can drive fifteen minutes in either direction and be out of the city, too, so it's really easy to get away for some quiet time outdoors. There are tons of nice local beaches, too. It's not necessary to go to a resort in order to swim in calm blue waters. Most of the people we met were really friendly. And the food was good, too.

While Xander was at work during the day, I went to one of the beaches or wandered around Oahu. I visited a botanical garden and saw a peacock.


I admired abandoned buildings and city landmarks.


But mostly I just hung out at the beach, reading and writing.


Occasionally, we got to do things together, like go to the Triple Crown on the north shore.



We also drove up on a morning that the competition was canceled to see the 25-foot waves that were predicted for that day. What I didn't know is that they measure the waves from the back, so a wave that measures only 15 feet at the back actually looks more like 30 feet from the front. Crazy. Very few people were out surfing that day, but there were a handful of crazies attempting to catch waves. At those heights, most surfers require a jet ski to pull them in, because the waves are too strong and too fast to catch otherwise.


One morning we hiked Diamond Head, which was a bit touristy but still nice. And we saw ruins.



We learned how pineapple grows.


We went snorkeling in Haunama Bay and, much to Xander's amuseument, spotted a humuhumunukunukuapua'a. (He spent the next week interjecting "humuhumunukunukuapua'a" into just about every conversation.) And we went to Pearl Harbor.


And before we could leave, we felt obligated to swim at Waikiki, go drink mai tais, hear some ukelele, and watch some hula by the ocean at sunset.



And that's all until after Christmas. Happy holidays, one and all!

Clarifying the Confusing Details

We've been getting a bunch of questions about our adoption along the lines of "What happens next?" I thought maybe I should try to clarify.

Right now we are waiting to be assigned a court date. Our court date could be assigned tomorrow. It could be assigned two months from now. We have no idea when they will tell us what our court date is. Before they can assign a date, our children's dossier must be prepared, and they must be given a few more medical tests. This can take weeks.

Once we are assigned a court date, we just sit back and wait for that date to arrive. Our court date could be anywhere from about 2 to 6 weeks AFTER the date is assigned to us. In other words, maybe we'll pass court in a month. Or maybe we'll pass court in three months. Again, we don't know.

What happens in court? Well, the judge has to review our file and our children's file and approve the match. The court hearing also gives birth family members an opportunity to come forward if they would like to parent the children. This is extremely important for reasons that we hope are obvious. Sometimes families pass court the first time. Sometimes they don't. Actually, rather often they don't. We are not expecting to pass court the first time around.

Once we pass court, we could travel anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks after that. Many families seem to go around a month or so after they pass court.

So to sum up, maybe we'll be really lucky and get to travel in February. Maybe we'll be less lucky and get to travel in April.

In case you were wondering, this part is much, much worse than waiting for our referral. Once you've seen your kids' faces, you are done for. I go back and forth from feeling really excited to really depressed. Sometimes I feel like staring at their faces all day. Yesterday I couldn't look at their pictures at all. Staying busy only kind of works. I've always been good at doing one thing while thinking about something else entirely, which is not working to my advantage in this case.

Luckily, our friends Katie and Pete let us borrow their DVDs of Arrested Development. So far this is the only known treatment for the waiting-for-my-court-date blues. Thanks, guys.

Slowly and Cautiously Re-entering the World of Photography

I'm one of those people who finds it really hard to work a day job and make art at the same time. Once I started working in museums, I stopped producing nearly as much art. I lost my mojo, you could say. Plus it's hard to make new photographs when you live in an apartment and your darkroom is your bathroom. Digital photography seems like a good solution to my dilemma, if only I can figure out a way to maintain the style that I love in this new medium.

This year, I ventured (very cautiously) into the world of digital photography by entering a few exhibitions. My digital photos have been exhibited in a couple of galleries recently, one of which has my work online. I entered this exhibit for fun, as a way of benefiting from these awful Quebec winters, sending in work that is very different from what I would normally show, but it turned out to be an enjoyable project. Maybe now I'll stop being such a film snob.

More Big Island Photos

We stayed at the Kona Tiki in, well, Kona, and Namakani Paio cabins at Volcanoes. We saw banyan, java sparrows, coffee farms, the largest mountain in the world, cliffs and valleys, lava trees, sea turtles, black sand beaches, painted churches, waterfalls, and chickens. In no particular order...