So a Guy Walks into Heaven . . .

Xander and I just had a conversation in which we mused on what heaven, if it exists, would be like. It was partially inspired by NPR's interview with David Eagleman about his book Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives in which Eagleman explores numerous possible afterlife scenarios. I heard numerous stories about heaven growing up in the Bible Belt, and most people always sounded excited about the prospect of going there. People talked about how heaven is great because we get to go there and hang out with Jesus after we die, and won't that be wonderful? Since I think of Jesus in very human terms--he was human, after all--I'm kind of skeptical about how much fun this would actually be for a socially awkward person like me. I mean, what if it's like going to a corporate cocktail party or something? Might it be a bit uncomfortable? And wouldn't Jesus be really busy playing host the whole time anyway? Xander and I talked about it and decided it might go a little something like this:

After waiting for what seems like years, I wander through the pearly gates into a sort of reception area. The reception area doesn't have the fluffy-white-cloud floor I was expecting at all. It's got shag carpeting, like it hasn't been updated in awhile, probably because the owner just doesn't have the time. Everything has a kind of seventies gold hue, and the place is lit by candles. Rather than being dressed in long, white robes, everyone is just in regular clothes from whatever time period they died in. We're talking everything from hoop skirts to shoulder pads to boy tights. The room doesn't seem to have a back wall, and the people go on as far as the eye can see. I realize it is going to take a long time to locate anyone I know. There's a long-haired dude in bare feet and what looks like a burlap dress hanging out by the entrance and smiling at me. It's really crowded, and I wonder why he's not worried someone will step on his feet. He reaches out his hand, and I shake it.

Me: Uh, hi.

Jesus: Hello.

Me: Um, my name's Alana. I'm new here.

Jesus: Yes, I know that. I'm Jesus.

Me: Oh! You are? I mean, you don't look like I thought you would. I was kind of expecting white robes and a halo or something.

Jesus: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Me: Um, well, it's really nice to meet you. I'm a big fan of your work. That whole water-into-wine thing is especially cool. I bet people ask you to do that all the time, huh?

Jesus: Sometimes. Well, listen, it's been great talking to you, but I've got a lot of other people to greet. If you'll just excuse me . . . .

Jesus walks away to greet an old couple that just arrived. I still don't see anyone that I recognize. I wander over to the buffet and begin stabbing cubes of cheese with toothpicks, awkwardly smiling at strangers across the table as they attempt to juggle plates of cookies and plastic cups of grape juice. Welcome to eternity, I think to myself.

Imaginary Friends

I asked Xander this one the other day, and it sparked a lengthy discussion in which we each revised our lists numerous times. So I'll ask you, Dear Internet, and see what you say. What 10 (or more or less) fictional characters from books, movies, television, or other media would you most like to have dinner with?*

My answers:

1) Albus Dumbledore
2) Liz Lemon
3) Bob Harris from Lost in Translation (Because I really want to know what he whispered in Charlotte's ear and because I've had a life-long crush on Bill Murray.)
4) Peter Parker and MJ (Double date!)
5) Jeeves & Wooster (TV version preferred. Bertie would play the piano and Jeeves would mix me some lovely cocktails, and I would get to wear a fashionable hat and smoke cigarettes from a fancy cigarette holder.)
6) Jason Bourne (definitely the movie version--the book guy is a bit out-of-touch)
7) Merry & Pippin
8) Penelope (I want to know how she convinced people she was working continuously on a shroud that never managed to get any bigger. Were fictional ancient Greek men really that stupid?)
9) Hannibal Lecter (I'd pick the restaurant.)
10) Lisa Simpson

Xander's answers:

1) Odysseus
2) John Galt
3) Satan (in Al Pacino corporeal form)
4) Beowulf
5) Holmes & Watson
6) Mr. Miyagi
7) Han Solo & Luke Skywalker
8) The Ghostbusters
9) Kermit & Gonzo
10) House & Wilson

*The following conversation was part of our discussion. Please note that it is not a reflection of our actual religious views so much as our ability to be critical:

Xander: You'd probably piss a lot of people off, but you could put Satan down.

Alana: Or God.

Xander: Good point.

Alana: Or Jesus.

Xander: No, you have to be careful with Jesus.

Alana: True. He probably existed.

Xander: But you could put post-Resurrection Jesus!

Well, I Never . . .

Now that we get to resume our adoption as if nothing ever happened--What economic crisis? Leave Canada? What are you talking about?--I've been thinking about the fact that we may actually have two kids by this time next year. And that has me wondering what kind of mother I will be. There are things that mothers do that I really hope I don't do. Like take a bunch of photographs of my kids and set them to really sappy music and post them on the internet. And make my brand-new babies get all dressed up in red velvet outfits with bows and sit in Santa's lap even though they are way too young to care or terrified at the prospect. Or change my Facebook profile photo to a picture of just my kids, like I don't even exist anymore. Or start talking baby talk to everyone I know. Or throw themed 1-year-old birthday parties in which they each get their own customized Barney cakes to destroy on video. But the fact that I know perfectly reasonable, independent women who have done these things has me worried. Is it inevitable? Are we just compelled to do these things when we have kids? Is there really any way to stop myself?

Weigh in, parents. What tacky thing did you do when you had kids that you never thought you would ever do? What do you still refuse to do despite pressure from friends, parents, society, or your own kids?

La Cabane à Sucre!

Yesterday--yes, Valentine's Day, but that was just a coincidence--Xander and I went hiking at Oka, one of Quebec's national parks. We got to walk on the Ottawa River, which was a bit scary but fun. Then, we went to a sugar shack called Sucrerie de la Montagne. It's not quite tree-tapping time, but we had a great visit nonetheless. We stayed for dinner, which included a Quebec drink known as caribou and a whole lot of food involving maple syrup. It was a really great day. You can read the New York Times review for the sucrerie here.

Ice fishing (notice the cars parked on the river)


Kite Snowboarding


Oka






Sucrerie de la Montagne

Our Letter to the Board of the Orphanage

One of the things we will submit along with our dossier is a letter to the board of our orphanage. (We've been calling it "our orphanage" all this time, even though it isn't at all ours. But that shows you how attached we already are to these people and what they are doing for us.) It was a really hard letter to write, because these are the people that will change our lives forever. It's amazing. We are so excited that we almost felt compelled to start the letter with, "We're your number one fans! Really! We totally dig people who help give babies homes. Baby-home-givers are our favorite kinds of people ever!" But we didn't do that.

Dear Board of Toukoul,

We want to express our sincere gratitude to you for taking a moment to read this letter. We know that you have the power to change our lives, and we are deeply indebted to you for this. It is difficult to put our thoughts and feelings into words as we embark on this amazing journey to become a family, but we wanted to tell you more about ourselves and how we came to this point in our lives.

We met for the first time when we were both asked to participate in a mutual friend’s wedding. The bride was certain we would make a perfect match and encouraged us to date, but we lived in different parts of the country at that time, so after our friend’s wedding we went our separate ways: Xander to Pennsylvania and Alana to Georgia. Four years later, we met again in Athens, Georgia at a dinner hosted by the same friend. We fell in love almost immediately and knew we wanted to be together forever. We were engaged to be married just a few months later. We have been married for almost six years, and we are looking forward to many wonderful years to come. Our marriage is truly the biggest blessing in our lives, and we draw strength from our relationship on a daily basis.

We were interested in adoption from very early on in our relationship. As we became closer in our marriage, we moved closer to the idea of starting a family. We are very excited about becoming parents. We cannot wait to have children with whom to share laughter, tears, hugs, stories, meals, and memories. Although we do not know what our children will look like, how old they will be, what their names are, or what their personalities are like, we do know one thing: we already love them. They already occupy a very large place in our hearts, and we cannot wait to meet them. We are completely committed to doing everything we can to make sure our children grow up to be happy, healthy, educated, and caring citizens of the global community of which we are all a part.

Our interest in adopting from Africa began when our cousin moved to Benin to work as a member of the Peace Corps. Her stories about the wonderful people she was meeting and the beautiful country she lived in inspired us to learn more about Africa. A work colleague was in the process of adopting from Ethiopia at the time, and as we read about her experience and learned more about this marvelous country, we realized this was a perfect match for us. There are places we feel inspired by and called to in our lives. Scotland, where we were married, has been one such place. Georgia, where we met and Alana grew up, has been an important part of our lives as well. New York, where we spent the first five years of our marriage, is another treasured place. And Ethiopia, with its mix of beauty, culture, and history, is another, and we are very much looking forward to making it part of our lives. Even if we were not adopting, we believe that our visit to Ethiopia would make it part of our hearts forever. We are all connected, and it is impossible for us to envelop ourselves in another place without it becoming a part of who we are.

We would like to adopt a boy and a girl under twelve months, including children who are related, unrelated, or twins. We know there are many older children waiting to be adopted; however, as first-time parents, we feel best prepared to care for infants.

Once again, our sincere thanks to you for taking the time to read this letter and for considering us to become guardians of two of Ethiopia’s precious children. We hope to meet you and thank you in person for everything you do to improve the lives of people by creating families. We will be eternally grateful to you for this marvelous act.

Respectfully yours,

Alexander and Alana Cole-Faber

Mr. Squirrel

Because sometimes you need a picture of a squirrel:

I LEGO NY

I can't take credit for discovering this bit of art by Christoph Neimann, but I still love it. Thanks to Deb and Heck's Kitchen.

The Snow Monster

One night, Xander and I were walking down the road near our house. Or rather we were struggling down the road, shuffling our feet along through the slush and climbing over snow banks. We heard an incredible rumble ahead of us and froze in our tracks. The ground began to tremble, and we were terrified. Up ahead, something dark and enormous was approaching. We stepped off the road onto a smaller side street. A huge silhouette passed before us. We crouched in fear. When the creature had passed, we stepped back out onto the street to find that the mounds of snow and puddles of slush had disappeared. Where did it all go? It was eaten by the Snow Monster.

Since then, I have made it my mission to obtain photographic evidence of the Snow Monster. This has been difficult, because it usually arrives at night. But this last time, I was prepared. As the rumbling began and grew louder, I claimed my spot by the window and captured the monster on film. As it turns out, there are multiple snow monsters! Our neighborhood was attacked by two of them, and they sucked up all the snow on the street.

Plows herald the coming of the Snow Monster and push the snow into the street for feeding


Piles of snow up to my waist . . . and in some places my head



Another plow clears the way for the Snow Monster


The Snow Monster sucks up the snow



The second Snow Monster arrives




A clean street

Another Cartoon

One strategy for coping with living in a country where you don't speak the language very well is to try to guess what the person is saying even if you don't understand the whole sentence. Most of the time this works fairly well, especially in scenarios that tend to repeat themselves. Paying for groceries is a great example. The exchange is almost always the same, so you can fake French pretty easily. But sometimes you can miss important details, and this is what Xander and I were talking about when I drew this:

You're the Worst Parent Ever

Molly sent this to me. It's true that there's a ton of contradictory information out there. There's stuff to make you feel like the most selfish asshole on the planet for adopting internationally. And there's stuff that makes you sound like a saint. There's stuff that says your children will be fragile helpless beings and should be coddled as much as possible, and there's stuff that says you should never coddle your children because they should be treated just like other kids. Whatever your parenting philosophy or actions as an adoptive parent, there are plenty of websites out there to tell you that you are doing it all wrong. So I completely sympathize with GeekMom here. It sounds like no matter what we do, someone will call us a failure.

Best Adoptive Parent Ever
submitted by GeekMom

I have two great boys, adopted as infants from Guatemala. (Don’t tell anyone – my uterus is broke, and I should be horribly traumatized by this.) (Except that I’m ok with it.)

Before I knew better, I spent a lot of time seeking out other adoptive moms, and going on adoption related websites and such. Based on the extensive research, I now know how to be a perfect adoptive parent. Let me draw you a picture of the Best Adoptive Parent Ever:

They have read every single book about all the possible things their child could be feeling about adoption every second of their lives so they can have THE RIGHT ANSWER.

It is not enough to have a scrapbook for your child. You have to have a Lifebook, where you meticulously document every second of the child’s life from the time they come to you. Because all biological children obviously have perfectly filled out baby books, and your kids will miss out.

You are required to freak out if your child’s teacher discusses family trees. No, they can’t just use your family – they will be traumatized because your family is not their birthfamily. Except of course, adoption is forever, so they are part of your family. But not on certain school assignments, apparently.

If your child is not discussing adoption every hour of every day, you are either repressing them, or they are so traumatized that they can’t even discuss it. Adoptive children are not allowed to be well adjusted and ok with the adoption thing.

If you have not put your adoptive child in an immersive school to learn their birth culture and/or gotten a non-english speaking nanny from that culture, they will grow up to hate you.

If you do not have an open adoption, you are a horrible person, abusive to the birth mother. Unless you have an open adoption, in which case you are confusing your child and preventing them from bonding. Take your pick.

You are a horribly selfish terrible person for adopting in the first place, because it is a terrible thing to rip a child from the arms of their birthmother. Even if the birthmother sought you out for the adoption - it is just wrong to adopt. Period. (Yes, you get this on adoption boards.) (No, I don’t get it either.)

Your child must belong to a support group, as soon as their eyes open, or they will be traumatized for life.

If you didn’t induce lactation for your adopted infant, you are obviously an evil lazy mommy, and how did you ever get past the social workers.

Adoption is VERY SERIOUS. If you joke even once about selling your kids on Ebay they will be SCARRED FOR LIFE! You are not allowed to have a sense of humor about adoption.

Any problem an adopted kid has is automatically a consequence of their having been adopted. Are they being a pain in the ass about getting their shoes on? It’s because they’re adopted. Bleeding head wound? That’s from being ripped out of the arms of their birthmom.

Birthmoms are perfect saints, who are unfairly maligned, and deserve to be endlessly pitied. Unless they are irresponsible child abusers, who should be sterilized. Take your pick. If you want to become the perfect mom, in some circles, place your child for adoption. You will instantly be canonized.

If you adopt a child of another race, you should be taken out back and summarily shot. Or canonized, because everyone knows only white babies get adopted in this country, while babies of color languish for years in foster care. Take your pick.

No matter what you do, you will never be able to make up for the horrible trauma of having been adopted. Give up now.

I think my older son has a handle on it. At a recent family wedding, he was having a great time dancing with one of his cousins. They made quite the couple. At one point my son called out “I think I want to marry her. It’s ok - I’m adopted!” That’s my boy…

Something Cheery