An Anniversary Interview

For our sixth anniversary, I decided to interview my husband. As if you didn't already know, I'm pretty much head over heels for this guy and commonly refer to him as My Best Xander or Best Possible Husband. My life is immeasurably better with him in it. I feel like we both accomplish more together than we ever could apart. Things haven't always been easy in our lives, but we've managed to weather the various storms so far with very little disturbance to our relationship. This makes me feel pretty good about our marriage pre-kids. (I hear they can ruin an otherwise perfectly good marriage, but I remain foolishly optimistic on that front.) Still, I was curious to know how my husband feels about things.

Get ready to gag. There's some pretty sticky sap below.


A: When you were a kid, did you think you'd get married one day? Have kids?

X: I always imagined I would get married, though I didn't have a particular daydream about what my wife or my married life would look like. I've always been a one-on-one kind of person, so married life seemed optimal to me. I also imagined I would have children, but again, it was an abstraction. Perhaps I felt that it's what you're supposed to do when you "grow up." It certainly feels right now that I am grown up.


A: So what you're saying is that you had no idea your wife would be as awesome as I am. Do you remember when you first thought you might like to marry me? What convinced you?

X: There were actually two big realizations that I had very early in our relationship. First, I wasn't planning on dating anyone seriously while in grad school, and I quickly broke that rule when I met you. I just had this feeling that I was going to miss something really great if I held steadfast to my rule. (Yet another anecdotal reason to listen to your gut feeling.) We had a ton of fun dating. Those were really exciting times for me. The second big realization I had was a few months into our relationship when it became clear that you might be moving away for grad school, or potentially staying in the area. I wanted to be part of your decision to stay in the general geographic location of Athens. But grad school is a serious life-changing event, and so it didn't seem fair to have any influence over your decision if our relationship wasn't also of the same life-changing magnitude. I soul searched for a while and surprised myself to realize how strongly I felt about you: like be-with-you-all-my-life strong. Honestly, this scared me. I remember talking to my dad about it and asking blunt questions like, "Dad, am I being a love-struck idiot?" (He said, "No.") I knew I was crazy in love you, but I also realized that our relationship had lots of potential beyond our early romance.

So in short, it was during our first kiss.


A: Did you have cold feet before our wedding?

Also, there's homemade thick-crust pizza and beets with a yogurt-dill-horseradish-type sauce for dinner. I'll leave it all out, so just help yourself.

X: Awesome! I'm all kinds of looking forward to it.

I wouldn't say that I had cold feet. In my mind the phrase "cold feet" suggests that I was having second thoughts, which isn't true. I was definitely set on marrying you. I still think it's the best thing I've ever done. I do remember having some apprehension about the difficulties in trying to plan a life around two people rather than just one (e.g., finding jobs we both want). I would have been crazy not to be thinking about such things. I also was a little nervous about things that could go wrong while getting married overseas, spending money on our wedding / reception, ... In retrospect, all of my little worries are attributable to me being young and having traveled so little. Again, I claim they were natural things to be worried about. I wish I could go back and not frustrate you about some of those things though ... everything worked out perfectly!

So in short, I love you, and I even loved you lots then. But not as much as now.


A: I'm going to operate under the assumption that you like being married, because you're still married to me. So what do you like about being married?

X: Of course I still like being married to you! The main thing I like about being married is that you're my best friend, and I get to do almost everything with you. Now that I'm closing in on thirty and reaching a different place in my life (fatherhood! yes!), I'm thrilled that we are growing together. (I still don't understand how two people could share so much and yet grow apart over the years.) So that's the big thing: life is an adventure and a journey, and I love sharing it with my travel buddy.

There are also loads of little things I like about being married. We have great routines. Sushi nights. Action movies. Lost. Reading before bed. Hookah sports. Bread and cheese dinners. Interesting adventures to other countries. This was the order they popped into my head ... it's not in order of priority or enthusiasm.

I also like the doors it opens. I wouldn't have a degree from Columbia. I wouldn't be exploring fatherhood by myself. I wouldn't be nearly the sensitive guy I am without you. And I enjoy the interactions we have with other couples ... it's a dynamic you can't have as a single guy.


A: Do you have any marriage role models? Who are they and what makes them good role models?

X: Joe and Elena are great role models, and I think a lot about my grandparents. But now I feel like we've forged our own path for so long that I don't really compare our marriage to anyone else's. I also think we've been quite successful in our marriage ... I'd like to think we're a solid role model for others.

I still take great joy out of seeing other successfully married couples though and hearing what makes their's work. But it's more like when you reach that age in late teenager-hood when you stop comparing yourself to everyone and start appreciating the diversity in your friendships. We have many friends and relatives with different backgrounds, careers, lifestyles, ... It really is fascinating to see how their marriages enhance their lives.

I realize this doesn't quite answer your question, but I guess it's because I don't really look up to anyone so much anymore for marriage tips. Is that hubris? Or maybe it just tells you how much I like the way we live married life.


A: Am I what you expect a wife to be? Providing satisfactory customer service, so to speak?

X: I'm not really sure I know what I expect a wife to be ... I realize this is one of our sources of marital strife sometimes. But I do know that I love the role you play in my life, and I admire the way you put so much into it. I never quite feel like I'm as good a husband as you are a wife.

(long pause for thought)

Now that I think about it, you really are what I expect a wife to be. The reason I had so much trouble answering at first is that this question seems best answered in the form, "You don't do this thing that I expect ... " I don't feel like there's anything missing though, so I didn't have anything to grab onto. We have a fantastic friendship, a smoothly running life partnership, a budding family, and [edited for content]. What else do I need?


A: I don't make the bed. You've mentioned that one a few times. But I'm working on it.

What do you think we'll be like when we're old?

X: First of all, we'll be driving flying cars and living on the moon.

Also, I hope we're either like this or like this.

Seriously though, I'm not sure. I'm terrified right now about getting (really) old, but it's definitely less scary when I think about growing older with you. On the other hand, I can't really even picture what we're going to be like. I imagine we'll be a lot like we are now for the next 30 years, except maybe we'll be more community oriented as we get involved with things through our kids. I think we'll always be adventurous people who care about their family and friends and cats. I have a hard time imagining that our priorities in life will change drastically, but who knows.

The point is that *we* will be getting old. Neither of us has to do it alone.

I'm really curious to know what you think we'll be like.

A: I don't really know, but like you I hope we retain our sense of adventure. I feel like your grandparents retained that pretty well. I'm looking forward to having kids. And I'm not looking forward to wrinkles and saggy boobs. But the part of aging I really do look forward to is the part when we are (I hope) financially stable, retired, and can explore more of the world together. I want to be that 60-and-70-something couple that surprises all the young folks by climbing Ben More, trekking across the Great Wall, riding camels through the desert. I'm not afraid of aging, but I am afraid of dying mostly because there's so much I'm looking forward to doing with you. I feel like we're only just getting started.